Power Rankings - Week 1

1. Repeatabull. The unquestionable king atop these rankings. Came two steals shy of pulling off the unthinkable, a 9 – 0. Few teams could have topped its fg % (.483), points (524), rebounds (214), and assists (107) and the rest of its stats also seem firmly entrenched in the “above average” zone.

2. Where’s Leon. Yes, the team barely held onto a one point victory, but it posted superstar numbers at scoring (512 points), rebounding (219), and assists (105), to go with astoundingly low turnovers (48). Even its mediocre stats, like its fg % (.465), threes (31), and steals (25), seem fairly impressive. It’s hard to imagine this team losing much this season.

3. Cliphairs. Posted a 7 – 2 drubbing which must be highly valued and respected since fantasy is a game where it’s better to be lucky than good. But tempering the positivity is the fact that this runaway win came against Big Country, the league’s lowest ranked team, and that most of the Cliphairs’ numbers were mediocre to slightly above average. Nevertheless, a great start to the season.

4. DreamTeam. It’s unclear whether this Dream Team is akin to the 2002 nightmare that won nothing and humiliated itself, or if it’s the Dream Team of gold medal winners past. What does seem clear is that the roster has an intriguing collection of elite talent and an ability to win.

5. Pohn Wall. An unspectacular showing revealed certain obvious flaws (15 blocks, .411 fg %, 85 turnovers). Mediocre points, rebounds, and ft % numbers also indicate this team will need the wire—and badly—during elite matchups. Still, a 6–3 win has turned heads.

6. Cocaine Convict. Chris Bosh-like clutchness… which is to say, this roster has none. Let a 6 – 3 victory turn into a near tie. Time will tell if its competitiveness in every category means that the roster’s talent level is higher than its current ranking.

7. Stitches. A team that can’t score, can’t board, can’t assist. So how does it win? Yes, you’ve got to admire any injury-plagued roster that, even in a terribly dire state, manages to eek out victories.

8. Merlness. The best of the losers, posting monster numbers across the board. Ran into the only team in the league that could have defeated it. Sky’s the limit for this unit’s future and ceiling.

9. Dark Horse. Last year’s failed project used to focus on the not-so-flashy stats, like blocks and steals, but wound up falling short in key areas like points and threes. This year’s roster has points and threes covered, but let steals and blocks go to the horses / dogs for some reason.

x-10. Pippen Ain’t Easy. Give this unit credit for wrestling its opposition to a near stand-still and for fighting with character and pride. Call it a moral victory and move on. Next week’s matchup is against Stitches, a team that Pippen Ain’t would have trounced 6 - 3.

x-10. Team Canada. The face-off against America’s DreamTeam has taken its toll. Despite posting mindblowing numbers in some areas (218 rebounds, 102 assists, 30 steals) and leading 6 – 3 heading into the weekend, Canada ultimately cracked up like glass in the clutch. Yet I believe its three point loss would have been a blowout win against some of this week’s winners.

12. Sho’nuff Shamans. Could arguably swap spots with Big Country and / or Tykes for Tyreke on the heels of a blow out 1 – 8 thrashing by Repeatabull. In a league where weekly victories are often slim one point wins, a dismal seven point loss could come back to haunt the holy men further down the road like an invincible demon on the mystical plains.

13. Tykes for Tyreke. If you’re wondering why a roster that outscored Shonuff and Pippen is ranked lower than the two of them, have you seen the numbers? Six blocks. 43 percent shooting from the field. 76 assists. 134 rebounds. This team literally has nothing going for it except a brilliant free throw percentage.

14. Big Country. Basically a poor man’s Tykes. Piss poor numbers in every category except free throw shooting, which was mediocre instead of brilliant. The sixth pick of the 1995 NBA draft was also called Big Country… and he was one of the all time biggest busts. Who cares if the country is the size of Texas? It’s also a landfill.