1. Cocaine Convicts. Against all odds, Cocaine’s red hot win streak somehow got a little hotter. I (temporarily) relinquish the throne and the crown to this unit, after its 7 – 2 massacre of Stitches. Stitches is ranked dead last in this week’s rankings, and while the competition may have been flimsy, Cocaine’s performance sure wasn’t. 580 points, 43 threes, 46 steals, 39 blocks… breath taking numbers at a point in the season in which Cocaine could have coasted. Why should anyone be surprised that Cocaine didn’t take the week off? In a sense, every team that has come Cocaine’s way has been turned into a metaphorical penniless, loser junkie on the street. I have extra respect for this squad since it has already downed Repeat, the league’s fifth ranked stallion, in week 2. I also admit Cocaine’s roster could be arguably better than DreamTeam in terms of overall talent and that it consistently puts up steal and three point numbers that even the elite squads would be hard pressed to match. And Cocaine’s crafty use of the waiver, to pick up DeAndre Jordan at a time when Chris Kaman’s injured, is something else to admire. You street dwellers must give the new king his due… but as second in command, I will be somewhere else, plotting his assassination.
1.5. DreamTeam. Sorry boys, but the drop off in talent between my roster and the teams that aren’t named Cocaine is huge. Now, before you throw any obligatory hate in my direction, let me point out that I had an off week and still clobbered my competition 6 - 3. Just call me Tiger Woods because my C game is better than most of your A games. During the now routine beat down I gave my opponent, I also managed to add some studs-- Kyle Lowry and Jonny Flynn-- off the waiver. Kyle’s gonna be good for 13 – 15 ppg, 5 assists and 1.5 steals over the next month, and I fully expect Jonny Flynn to improve on last season’s numbers, when the kid averaged 14 ppg and 5 assists, with 1 steal and 1 three to boot. My unit is perhaps the league’s best at bigman numbers—its 284 rebounds and 37 blocks are nothing to sneeze at, even in an off week. Now I’ve got guards who consistently add assists and steals. Be afraid, haters. Be very afraid.
3. Dark Horse. Truly finished off a mind-blowing victory. Took a jackhammer and absolutely pounded Team Canada, smashing Canada’s extremely elite numbers. Posted some gargantuan numbers: 48 threes, 614 points, 223 rebounds, 131 assists. Would have won out against every roster in this league, and is therefore given the prestigious (first, and now perhaps weekly) Most Improved Player award. Simply the hottest, fastest rising breakout star. Stand up and take notice, plebes. Perhaps this horse isn’t a dark horse after all. Maybe it’s Man O’ War.
4. Merlness. The opponent this week, Sho, may have had a record that was of the league’s doormat, but winning out wasn’t easy. Sho posted strong totals in almost every column. That’s why I’ll say the victory Merlness pulled off here was extremely underrated. Especially since this unit’s “watch the garden grow style*” doesn’t involve add dropping. The victory is also in line with our expectations for this elite team, which posts impressive numbers on a weekly basis. The amazing thing is, the lesser known talents on Merlness have yet to fully bloom. I like a lot of this unit’s sleeper picks and believe Merlness is cultivating a fantasy garden like a master planter. I believe this is garden of Merlness will only grow richer and more vibrant as the season progresses.
*credit Sho for that great description
5. Repeatabull. A very chaotic, uneven performer that tends to shoot up and down the chart. Amusing to watch, but difficult to predict. Repeat’s posted the league’s first 8 – 0 victory of this season, a feat that will probably go unmatched by any other unit in the league for the rest of the year. Then again, Repeat quickly struggled to put 3 points on the board during the very next week. This week Repeat’s stock is up again, after a hard fought and well earned victory over Pohn Wall. Let’s hope this team isn’t stuck on repeating incompetence followed by brilliance. Don’t be Loul Deng, Repeat. Be Derrick Rose.
6. Team Canada. Every week, Team Canada posts incredible numbers, so it’s difficult to understand why the losses keep piling up. Is losing in shocking ways a Canadian thing? Canada’s own appraisal of its situation is surprisingly accurate. Canada says, “[We’re] the Rockets… a pretty damn good team on paper [that]… can’t seem to pull out some wins.” I concur. There’s not a single player on Canada’s roster who doesn’t post impressive numbers or make an impact, and it’s clear that Canada’s brilliant punting strategy on Draft Night is what allows for the elite totals it collects in virtually every category except free throw shooting. Canada’s a victim of a severely taxing early schedule—a schedule that’s featured head to heads with teams currently ranked 2nd and 3rd overall. Yes, Canada, you do fall… but this committee doesn’t believe you deserve to fall very far at all. Not after posting those numbers.
7. Cliphairs. Patience with this team’s flukiness is wearing thin. It’s hard to trust a unit that typically posts craptacular to mediocre stats across the board, and yet somehow winds up churning out victories. The recurring theme of this unit seems to be: “it’s better to be lucky than good” but it was only a one point victory, and at this rate, the luck’s running out. I mean, you can’t fluke your way into the playoffs… can you? There is so much crap on this team’s roster, I don’t know where to start. Go read a fantasy basketball manual to get a clue. How are the rest of the league’s teams sucking more than this unit?
8. Shonuff. I never thought this team was nearly as bad as its trainwreck track record would indicate, and this week’s totals prove that it’s relatively gifted: 560+ points, 40+ steals, 40 threes, 115+ assists, a .860 free throw percentage, and decent block and field goal percentage numbers. But yes, this squad nevertheless fell to a 4 – 5 loss against Merlness this week. And yes, this is the same team that infamously gave up a 0 – 8 loss to Repeatabull. And yes, this is the same team that will probably have the only 0 – 8 loss any team in the league experiences during this fantasy season. But you have to feel some of Sho’s pain. Like Team Canada, Sho’s had a schedule that’s been absolutely brutal in the early going. This unit has faced Repeatabull, a team currently ranked as the league’s fifth best roster, and Merlness, a team that’s currently ranked as the league’s fourth best overall. To make matters worse, this week Sho’s up against DreamTeam, the league’s second best unit in both winning percentage and power ranking. I’m sorry, but the short term doesn’t look all that appealing unless... will DreamTeam be magnanimous and give Sho a mercy victory?
9. Pohn Wall. Even though this team is showing only shades of its former greatness, things are looking up. True, Pohn’s add-dropping failed to save this team from what’s become the routine close loss, and yes, Pohn is more Gilbert Arenas than John Wall, but like fans of Gil, I believe a return to past glory could be in the works. Pohn faces the difficult task of finding gems off the waiver to infuse into the team’s currently piss poor level of fantasy talent. Because Pohn’s done it before in prior years, because the current team has managed to put up a hell of a fight every week, and due to the amount of dead weight featured by fantasy teams below Pohn, I can’t leave it out of the Top Nine.
10. Tykes for Tyreke. Let’s admire the competitiveness and fire of Tykes. Saddled with an injured and underwhelming group of talent and facing the league’s DreamTeam, Tykes recognized the need to add drop certain slots. Not only did Tykes’ decision make the week infinitely more interesting, as he nearly closed the gap in steals and even threatened to win for a while, but Tykes has presumably learned more about how to use the waiver, and will be a wiser and more difficult opponent in the future. This unit may have posted a 3 - 6 loss, but the winds of change and respect seem to be blowing in its direction.
11. Where’s Leon. Does anyone know where Leon is? Ask him to come replace the guy managing this loaded roster. How does your talented unit lose to a team that just posted 401 points, 149 rebounds, and 98 assists along with mediocre block, field goal, and free throw totals? Sure, the loss is only by a point, but it’s embarrassing and it comes on the heels of a 2 – 6 drubbing the week before. That said, the remaining teams are so awful, so lacking in fantasy performance, that I have to put Leon above them. Because the frustrating thing is that Leon actually had the statistical power to pull this one out. If just a few guys had stayed on the bench, or if team had used the waiver effectively, we’d probably be talking about an epic win.
x-12. Pippen Ain’t Easy. No, “Pippen” may not be easy, but updating is. Love the team name and believe this roster is much better than where it’s currently ranked, but this is what happens when your team fails to pay the tiny bit of attention necessary to update. Massive losses, such as the 3 – 6 epic fail against Big Country, and a lack of respect in the power rankings. I’d even say that the ONLY reason Big Country beat Pippen this week is because of that one mistake of not updating. But how can we trust that your team’s got the goods when your guys don’t even get off the bench? To make matters worse, Pippen’s up against Team Canada, a roster that would be hellish to battle even for the league’s top ranked contenders. Pippen goes out of the pool, into the frying pan. The schedule’s difficult matchups are the reason why you’ve got to take full advantage of the league’s Big Countrys.
x-12. Big Country. Sometimes in fantasy, all you need is a lucky twist of fate to get your season back into focus. Pippen failed to update, and suddenly, the door was opened for Big Country to pull off a stunning 6 – 3 victory that no one saw coming. But who else is gonna fail to update? I’ve done my best to move up Big Country’s ranking, since the victory is potentially huge, but I have a hard time buying the unit as any kind of fantasy force. Win your next match legitimately if you want to see your squad rise. No country goes from being Nigeria to the United States overnight.
14. Stitches. I’m not the guy who kicks you when you’re down and bent over to pick up your teeth. Get it together.
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