Power Rankings - Week 5

1. Merlness

The undisputable king of our league. Powered to victories on talent alone. Posted a brutal, heavy-hitting 7 – 2 victory against Pohn Wall. Previously, we complimented Merlness as the master planter of a beautiful garden, but none of us realized that garden was the Garden of Eden. There’s only one team within striking distance of Merlness in terms of power ranking—DreamTeam. But DreamTeam, despite posting great numbers, would have lost to Merlness this week. Confounding critics and opponents, Merlness operates on a strict, “never add drop” policy, so the accomplishments of this roster are even more marvelous than they already seem. On weeks like this one, when its percentages are sky high (50+ percent fg, 81+ percent ft), there’s not one chink in its armor.

1.5. DreamTeam

The ONLY 30+ win team this league has to offer. Suck it, haters. You think you can hang with my collection of superstars? Think again, scumbags. I’m just getting started. Jonny Flynn’s on his way back, and when he gets here, I’m gonna take a chainsaw to everyone in this bloody league. Especially Merlness, the guy pulling weeds out in the hot sun. That’s the new ruler?! The emperor has no clothes, only rakes and shovels. Send this gardener back to the garden. Why don’t you people wake up and realize that the throne is rightfully mine. So what if Merlness would have beaten me this week? That’s just a hot week for him. Anyone can have a hot week. I thought these were power rankings, which take into account performance, present AND past. Merlness lost to one of the biggest scrubs on the planet, Where’s Leon, and then barely eeked out one point wins against even bigger scrubs, Tykes and Sho. My unit’s the consummate winner. I’ve never lost. Never. In fact, I’m always posting beat downs of 6 points or more. Always. What a horrid decision by this committee.

3. Cocaine Convict

The stunned, stammered, and stupefied loser of this week’s Best Matchup of the Week. I initially snickered at how close Cocaine’s match up with Big Country game seemed to be early in the week. What else could I make of Cocaine’s fall to a team whose only win to date was due to updating errors? How long could Cocaine’s struggle over that speed bump last? But by the time Friday night ended, Big Country was holding fast to an 8 – 1 victory, and the unthinkable suddenly seemed possible. Sho called Cocaine out, and Cocaine instantly made the move we all expected would happen, turning the edge in key columns like blocks, steals and boards. Chaos, it seemed, was ending as Saturday night wound up, with Cocaine maintain a 5 – 3 lead. But Big Country wrecked Cocaine in the clutch. He surged forward on the last and critical night, destroying Cocaine, and doing the unthinkable on the way to a 5 – 4 victory. After the high of 5 straight weeks of victories, Cocaine’s finally crashing… and how! Sure, it’s just a one point loss, but the numbers posted against Big Country weren’t just mediocre—they were pitiful. Merlness and DreamTeam—two teams Cocaine was said to be the same caliber as—would have obliterated this unit. How is it possible that a team like Cocaine, which was completely destroying and taking apart teams week after week, could churn out such paltry totals out of the blue? It's true that one bad week does not determine a team’s fate or necessarily sink it down a tier. But, like a man who finished serving time in prison for using cocaine, Cocaine Convict should know that his actions in the near future will be monitored closely... and if he screws up again, he will have much to answer for.

4. Cliphairs

Don’t look now, but this unit’s luck is running out. Last week's evolution of this squad, from fantasy fluke to fantasy juggernaut, was puzzling but Cliphairs has apparently returned to playing like the terrible piece of crap it is. This unit should be getting ripped for mediocre numbers and wins centered on nothing more than luck and poor competition, and a ridiculous, inept roster. No, the numbers this week weren't awful-- only mediocre-- but even that shocks me. There are so many players on this roster that I believe are crap—and hey, my DreamTeam would have whipped up on the Cliphairs 6 – 3 so I’m sure my analysis has some merit. What on earth is this owner doing. Whatever it is, it's not all negative since Cliphairs is some kind of freak show that manages to pull decent numbers out of guys who suck. This week's one point loss to Sho was a long time coming. That said, Cliphairs still sports a great record and last week's refreshingly strong performance is still on my mind. The unconventional approach of the owner occasionally worked wonders, leading me to believe he may be an eccentric genius. This team's latest loss drops it out of the league’s upper echelon of talent, to merely the lord of the above average squads.

5. Team Canada

Had a Thanksgiving feast, courtesy of the turkey that is DNP. Sadly, anyone can feast on DNP, but the power rankings love Canada because of the elite fantasy engine it sports, which results in consistently fantastic totals across all categories except free throw percentage. Check out some of this week’s numbers: 689 points, 289 rebounds, 50.6 percent fg, 36 threes, and over 100 assists. After 3 – 6 losses to Dark Horse and Dream Team, Canada has managed to collected itself and finally climb above .500. And, due to its core of Dwight Howard and Rajon Rondo, I fully expect Team Canada to continue to win out in the coming weeks, as the schedule gets easier. Like Sapphire from Baffin Island, or Amethyst from Ontario, this unit is one of the league’s hidden gems, and as time wears on, its lights should shine brightly for all to see.

6. Dark Horse

Dark Horse seems to consistently burn those who rank it highly. Last time this squad was highly touted, the team responded with a 3 – 6 loss that took the luster out of its hype. Complicating matters is the fact that Tykes for Ty is one of the league’s cellar dwellers who doesn’t offer a true test and Dark Horse’s numbers ranged from incredible (85+ percent ft, 48 threes, 621 points) to awful (21 steals, 23 blocks). On the plus side, Dark Horse obliterated Tykes for Ty and seems to be returning to the same powerful form that saw it defeat Team Canada’s A game. The question from last week’s power rankings still remains: is Dark Horse just another one of the worthless teams in this league that bounce up and down from week to week? There’s no sign of consistency here. Some say: “The problem may not be the horse. It may be the jockey.” I disagree. Dark Horse’s owner is displaying some new found waiver wire prowess, picking up the red-hot new starting power forward for the Nets, Kris Humphries. Humphries should be good for 30+ minutes all season long, providing colossal rebounding and block totals on a nightly basis… two things this team sorely needs. One more key pick up like that and this horse may actually turn into a time-traveling car.

7. Repeatabull

A banged up roster that’s doing all it can to stay afloat, Repeat’s the last of the above average fantasy teams. Injuries to Chris Kaman, Aaron Brooks, and Roy Hibbert have pushed this roster to the brink, and the vultures are circling it. But a 6 – 3 loss against one of the league’s top two teams would be a dream come true for other teams that don’t have Repeat’s incredible fantasy talent. Consider this: while missing three stars, Repeat posted numbers that would have won out against teams like Pippen, Team Canada, and Cocaine. What’s more, Repeat tends to use every option available, and the daily add drops have kept this squad within striking range of elite competition. On the last day of his battle with DreamTeam, Repeat add-dropped out of desperation-- four times in one day. I liked seeing that because that’s a competitor’s mentality. You don’t lie down and die. Repeat‘s the sort of cowboy who scraps his six shooter and starts throwing knives when the bullets run out. I can respect that.

8. Big Country

Against improbable odds, Big Country mounted a furious attack against the league’s previously declared best unit with a Cinderella story for the ages. Despite losing much of the 8 – 1 lead he had built going into the weekend, even a one point victory against Cocaine earns him the Most Improved Player Award. Sniff the fresh, effervescent air, Big Country. You’re out of the cellar at last. But don’t think for a second that your recent success is going to keep you up here for long. Your numbers this week were merely average, and you’re desperately going to need to build upon your success. Your recent string of good luck is a start. Your Jose Calderon is now the undisputed starting PG of the Raptors due to an unforeseen trade, and you picked up Peja Stojakovic who becomes Toronto’s starting PF due to a surprising, and potentially season-ending injury to Reggie Evans. Nice work. Your country’s president is starting to look more like Ronald Reagan and less like George W. Bush. Teams below Big Country are significantly worse, and fall under the tier of “we may have killed our season five weeks in.”

9. Pohn Wall

I’m tired of playing the “he’s gonna figure it all out” card. Aside from one half decent victory against Tykes, Pohn’s been a day late and a dollar short all season long. This week’s defeat is the third loss in a row, and the team’s verging on completely melting down. Pohn’s once legendary draft expertise— a true staple of his former excellence at the fantasy game—has apparently left him high and dry this year, and Pohn is nowhere near the waiver wire gem-finder he was in seasons past. The team’s record, however, is a poor indicator of this unit’s talent level. Pohn’s managed to lose while posting strong totals across categories for multiple weeks now. If any of the sad sack teams in this tier can pull themselves out of the dreaded hole, it’s Pohn. Unfortunately for him, the season only gets tougher, with matches against DreamTeam and Cliphairs scheduled in the near future. Pohn’s sort of like an old, dried up veteran whose best days are behind him. You never know when shades of his former self will return, but you’re pretty sure that he won’t be doing anything great more than once in a blue moon.

10. Shonuff

Pulled off a miracle win against Cliphairs at a time when half the team’s in the E.R. Call me crazy, but I still say that Tykes, DNP and Pippen—the three teams closest to Sho in wins and losses—are nowhere near Sho’s burning fantasy talent. Sho’s been working the wire with great intelligence and wisdom. His two latest additions—Amir Johnson and Landry Fields—should put up excellent numbers all year long. Unfortunately, the ship’s still sinking due to the consistently brutal schedule. One week after facing DreamTeam and two weeks removed from facing Merlness, Sho finds himself in a fierce battle with the league’s 3^rd best rated fantasy monster—Cliphairs. Sho always getting the short end of the straw, so it was nice to see him finally figure out how to deal with the adversity instead of simply bitch and lose. To add injury to insult, Ming and others are still out, and this meager victory won’t help much. I still say this franchise is in a do or die situation. It’s a joy to be in a league where Sho’s popping off at the lip, but there’s only so much time during which the excuses can last, before reality takes over.

11. Pippen Ain’t Easy

What’s wrong with me, Pippen? Why do I believe in your roster? Maybe it’s because I admire your gutsy, heart-on-your-sleeve 2^nd round pick of Derrick Rose—a move that was criticized at the time, but seems to be paying off. Maybe it’s because I see some of the sleepers on your roster and believe it’s only a matter of time before they stop underachieving. Maybe it’s because your unit’s beloved name. Unfortunately, you only tied your opponent in the Worst Matchup of the Week. And someone complain to the fantasy league office because this one was a snoozer. Two teams with records that reflect how irrelevant they are, sorely lacking any semblance of personality or performance. I love my fellow Bulls fans, but god! Say something funny or do something fresh on the wire or try some new strategy. Could your team be more nondescript. What can I say other than: solid totals all around in a forgettable performance that’s a chore to even discuss. In all fairness, Pippen, I still feel you sport a roster that’s much better than what your power ranking and position in the standings was for weeks now. Could you finally play up to your potential and stick it to the inferior competition for once? Or at least do something that’s eye catching or interesting for a change? Pippen ain’t easy, and neither is writing about your squad. Thank you.

12. Where’s Leon

I don’t know where Leon is, but he’s probably in Iraq getting blown up by Al-Queda, similar to this owner’s fantasy fortunes. Showing flashes of the major talent that is evident when you look at this roster, but still going down in the flames. This week’s extremely forgettable tie to Pippen leaves this team where it was last week—in shambles. One of the two teams that tied in this week’s Worst Matchup of the Week. I don’t know how Sho had the gall to rank this unit within the Top 5 last week. Mid-level player my ass. What good are Kobe and Millsap if you don’t know what to do with them? Look for Leon instead of asking pointless questions. And figure out how to do a better job running that blooper-reel of an organization you’re working for.

13. Tykes for Tyreke

Dealt an unfair blow, with Roy facing a chronic knee injury that will greatly lessen his fantasy impact. I’m not going to trash this team. Even though it’s in 13^th place, I admire the grit of this owner, who continues to play hard despite the record. Sometimes in fantasy, a bad or unlucky draft night can really put the screws to a team, and make a good season next to impossible. Recent addition Brandon Rush may be a diamond in the rough, and the daily add drops give this team a fighting chance. Tykes, your record may not reflect it, but you’re a cream of the crop owner. Keep doing your thing, and who knows? Stranger things have happened.

14. DNP-Coach's Decision aka Stitches

Renaming this unit to DNP may be TBone’s way of protesting the fact that two of his roster’s top draft picks receive zero minutes on a nightly basis despite being perfectly healthy. There’s at least some merit to DNP’s point, which is, “Don’t blame me-- I was dealt a real bad set of cards.” On draft night, there was no reason to assume that Murphy wouldn’t be having another 14 ppg, 10 rbs, and 2 threes season. Anthony Randolph was set to improve upon a 11 ppg, 6 rb and 2 blocks season. But how long are you going to whine and scrounge for pity before starting to cope with your situation? Fantasy is about dealing with the curves. Each season has curves for every roster, and if you can’t handle that, DNP, maybe you should rename yourself Pussy. I get that you didn’t start out with the most talent, but show some competitive spirit and stream the wire every day or make deals that increase your fantasy power, or figure out what studs on the waiver are about to break out and save up on them. Don’t just sit there like the league’s biggest turkey. The utter lack of gamesmanship, maneuverability and dearth of fantasy talent leave the roster where it usually is—at the bottom.