Power Rankings - Week 8

1. Dark Horse

Throw your gold at his feet and bow, plebes. Dark Horse the Third is your new emperor. Shout your blessings to him while I shout my curses. On the heels of a “by the skin of my teeth” victory against the league’s most average team (Repeatabull), and staring a 5 – 4 loss to Pohn in the eye, the much-lauded Dark Horse proved to be a stretch runner in the clutch. His 6 – 3 pummeling of a revitalized Pohn included some gargantuan statistics: 288 rebounds, 141 assists, 47 threes, 582 points. A grip of these numbers are powered by Dark Horse’s miraculous Kevin Love in-the-fourth-round pick. Any time you’ve got the league’s best rebounder (by leaps and bounds) who is also a big time scorer and brilliant three point shooter, you’re bound to dominate the fantasyscape. The pretty numbers posted this week give this “horse” the ring and the crown instead of the sugar cube it may prefer. Not to be a hater, but questions remain about this unit’s ability to strong arm top competition. What on earth is this league coming to when a king is a farm animal… erm, I mean, when a king earns his crown via overrated wins against sub .500 teams.

2. DreamTeam

Why am I constantly under ranked by an ignorant committee that’s in denial about my talent? Did I stab a baby in the heart in a past life? Well, I don’t care because in time, all will BOW. Yes, you will throw yourselves on the ground at the sight of my wondrous presence… because Joe Johnson and Jonny Flynn are back, beyotches. Face it, my team’s invincible now barring unforeseen health issues. JJ came back for ONE GAME and my team went from down 3 – 5 to up 5 – 4 in the clutch (and I was a few free throws and 3 rebounds away from a smooth 7 – 2 win). And, when Chris Kaman gets back… It’s gonna be all rainbows and unicorns, with 7 – 2 and 8 -1 wins the rest of the way. I tried to give you people a chance to stop me. Out of the goodness of my heart, I accepted Tykes’ offer of Chris Paul for Pau Gasol and Jonny Flynn to give a lesser team a chance to compete. But no. The trade of the #1 ranked point guard for the #1 ranked bigman plus a great young PG was voted down. Oh well, what’s a winner to do except… win.

3. Merlness

This week’s Matchup of the Week left Merlness far from the throne he’s become accustomed to. Our league’s ex-top ranked leader must still be reeling from the shock of his squad’s paltry totals: 23 threes, .738 at the ft line, 181 rebounds and too many turnovers (78). Last week, he called himself Freddie Kruger and the shoe fit because his team was a nightmare to face. This week, he’s Freddie Cruger… a cranky, 60 year old retired neighbor who takes naps at the local library when he’s not spending time taking good care of his grandkids. “Kruger with a C! Kruger with a C!” he yells, when people wonder if he’s the guy on Elm Street. BTW losing is always bad, but to the Cliphairs, the league’s most blundering and overrated team? I’m not gonna lie and say that Merlness has lost the right to be considered one of the league’s three best teams, but he’s certainly lost a lot of that dark Raider-esque mystique that made him feared by all. That said, Merlness’ recent past can’t be ignored. He prove himself legit in Week 6 after scoring a hard fought, one point victory over Cocaine—one of the greatest teams this league had to offer at that point; then shredded DreamTeam 6 – 3 the following week (hey haters, I lost half my roster to injuries that week). This week’s one point loss still leaves Merlness comfortably within the league’s upper most tier.

4. Cocaine Convict

Don’t let this relatively high ranking fool you. Cocaine’s dropping like a stone in the Mariana Trench. Lost to Big Country in Week 5, Merlness in Week 6, Team Canada in Week 7 and now DreamTeam in Week 8. This unit managed to post average totals in multiple categories this week, and that may be where this team’s headed: to .500. Some may point out that Cocaine faced DreamTeam, the league’s 2nd best roster, but Dream Team was far from full strength, reeling from injuries to Blatche, Wallace, and Thomas (as well as JJ, Flynn and Kaman) for much of the week. Cocaine crumbled anyway. Cocaine’s one saving grace—and it’s a big one—is his ability to find absolute gems off the waiver. Spencer Hawes, for example, is suddenly the league’s new Elton Brand, averaging 15 & 10 with 2 blocks this week. Key pickups like Mike Miller and Josh Howard may be huge down the stretch as well. Cocaine’s like a hurricane in the Pacific; he’s got the ungodly potential and power to take the coast by storm, but he could easily fizzle out miles before he gets there.

5. Cliphairs

Explaining the success of the Cliphairs is impossible. Lemme get this straight: you lost to Sho in Week 5, Repeat in Week 6, Pohn in Week 7, and WIN against Merlness in Week 8? How do you lose to league doormats three straight weeks in a row and then kick around the (formerly) top ranked player? Rename your squad E.T. because it’s not from this planet. There are a million reasons why your team isn’t good enough, including your bizarre roster construction. Like how you’ve been punting points and rebounds, for example (except for this week). And how the hell are you a perennial league leader in wins despite constantly losing? I highly doubt you have a competent strategy in place and still believe there’s a lot of crap on your roster, but your eccentric ways seem to be getting you somewhere, so instead of hurling insults, I’ll just tip my hat to your (spotty and questionable) success. Now go read a manual on how to play fantasy basketball. Thank you.

6. Pippen Ain't Easy

Thank god this match was interesting because I wouldn’t have had more than two sentences to say about this roster; in case you haven’t been paying attention, Pippen is the league’s equivalent of the Invisible Man—he never says anything to let you know he’s alive or in our league. This week, Pippen broke his tradition of being nondescript by going nuclear and obliterating Repeat 8 – 1. Wow. Where did this eye-popping performance come from? The unit just lost Joakim freaking Noah until February. Channing Frye is losing minutes to Robin Lopez. John Salmons and JR Smith had off nights. I’ve always felt like Pippen’s roster has been underrated, and that’s not just because he supports the greatest basketball team on the planet. I genuinely like his roster construction. This epic win earns Pippen the Most Improved Player award. That said, losing Noah means this squad has a gaping hole at center. No offense, but Zaza Pachulia ain’t gonna replace that production. These days, I rarely give tips on what to do with your squad, but Pippen… psst. Dump that scrub. Go get someone who actually has a shot at starting because, let’s face it… I want you to keep winning.

7. BigCountry

This week’s 6 – 3 win against Tykes may be a clear indication that this “country” is experiencing a Renaissance. Not only is Andrew Bynum back, but Taj Gibson’s now the starting center for the Chicago Bulls until Noah returns in late February. Big Country showed some foresight by picking up Marcin Gortat, who is now with the Suns. Gortat has it in him to be a legit center in this league, and with the Suns and Nash, he may eventually earn the role he deserves. At the same time, before Big Country cut the irrelevant Peja, he kept playing the injured Peja over guys who could actually contribute something other than zeros. This went on for multiple weeks, although reports kept coming in about how Peja was injured. Stay informed of the situation, douche, and you may give yourself a chance. BigCountry, you are our league’s Cinderella story. Your scrappy team’s on its way back to fantasy relevance despite the overwhelming consensus that you were going nowhere fast. There’s a lot to admire about your ability to turn a draft night disaster into a competent, playoff contender. Keep chiseling away at that roster. That’s all it takes, really. Pressure and time.

8. Team Canada

A hard earned 5 – 4 victory against Where’s Leon proves that Draft Night’s “punt the free throws” strategy was a horrible mistake. Leon, after all, is the measure of a below average team and Canada almost did not pass that test. Yes, Team Canada posts big numbers in certain categories (PTS, REBS, FG %), but it’s so weak in the others that climbing up from the depths is slow going. To make matters worse, elite teams will almost certainly surpass its PTS and REB numbers. The roster is flawed right now, and the team’s spending waiver wire dollars on crap. Conserve your waiver wire money, people. You might say, “Hey Dimes… you can’t talk. You’ve only got 46 bucks left.” But every time I’ve spent more than 1 dollar, it’s been on players who are breaking out—Kyle Lowry, Wesley Matthews, Ty Lawson. Canada spends cash on the likes of James “one trick pony” Jones and CJ “I’m a backup to Raja Bell” Miles. Despite good numbers this week in some categories, I do not foresee a great future for Drew Don’s flagship. With the trade of Gilbert Arenas to Orlando, Jameer Nelson’s value takes a hit and the team’s already lost Rajon Rondo for weeks. Plus, there’s a lot of crap on this roster. Bottomline, Drew: if you want to have a decent season, major moves must be made.

9. Pohn Wall

Take a look at this week’s totals before you ask the question: how does a team that’s 8 games below .500 get ranked up here? 49 threes, 544 points, 225 rebounds, 153 assists, 45 steals. Yes Pohn lost 6 – 3—but even Dark Horse commented on how close the match was. I’m surprised and glad to see an old veteran who is suddenly finding his groove. Those excellent waiver wire moves, a staple of his past, are here again: dealing 11 bucks for Jordan Farmar and 17 bucks for Kyle Lowry. Lowry’s on a tear, threatening to start at PG for the Rockets despite the return of Aaron Brooks. Jordan Farmar’s getting major minutes at SG. What about the swap of Wesley Matthews for Joe Johnson? Three weeks later, JJ’s back a little early, but Wes is still scorching the net and playing great defense. As a starter, his steals are right around 2+ per game, his points are still well over 20+ per game, and he’s nailing 2+ threes a game. Even better is the fact that Roy’s gonna miss the next few weeks due to the previously foreseen chronic knee problems, leaving Wes free reign of the Blazer offense. And, even though JJ’s back, my team’s taken a pounding waiting for the return to materialize and at the end of the day, Wes and JJ are comparable fantasy talents. I’m putting the trade down as a win for Pohn.

10. Repeatabull

The Vegas odds makers are still reeling from the shocking upset Repeat experienced this week. Heading into this week, Pohninger's stats revealed that Repeat was leaps and bounds better than Pippen and Repeat’s consistently been the better performer. Even though Pip had a much lighter schedule than Repeat, having faced only 1 top four team in 7 weeks, Pip was 3 wins below .500. Repeat had faced the likes of Merlness, DreamTeam, and Dark Horse and still managed to sport the better record (four more wins). When the week opened with Pippen posting a 6 – 3 lead over Repeat, it was hard to accept the fact that Repeat was gonna lose. I kept waiting for him to show his legendary fighting spirit, and get back into the mix… and he did. He got back into the mix of sucking even more and lost 1 – 8. Repeat’s in crisis. He’s suddenly one of the worst teams in our league. Losing 1 – 8 to Pippen almost completely erases all the good Repeat’s 8 – 0 did against Sho. Repeat needs to work the wire instead of drinking haterade against me, Dimes. After he cut Wesley Matthews from his team and watched me pick Wes up off the waiver, Repeat criticized my decision to swap Wes for Joe Johnson: “Instead of putting distance between him and the rest of the pack, Dimes fumbled big time, showing he's not comfortable or ready to be a league leader.” Talk about sour grapes. You cut Wes freakin Ley for Nazr Mohammed. More recently, Repeat’s given me Chris Kaman for free. Yo, Repeat… are you my farm team? Keep giving me your all-stars, bro.

x-11. Where’s Leon

His recent track record says, “I’m Joe Blow’s ‘little slower’ cousin Jack Blow.” After all, Leon’s on a recent streak of playing crap to mediocre teams to a near standstill. Leon tied Pippen in Week 5, barely pulled off a one point victory in Week 6 against DNP, and then followed that up with a one point victory loss againstTeam Canada in Week 7. The past three weeks don’t show any sign of being better than the typically sub .500 competition. You ask, “Where’s Leon?” I ask, “Where’s the competitive fire?” This team has yet to spend a dollar on anyone and has completed a total of 6 moves for mundane and irrelevant players (James Harden, Jamario Moon, Mickael Pietrus, Reggie Evans twice, Glen Davis). That’s all I can say about this perennial underachiever. If you can’t care enough about your squad to use the waiver or make a comment or win, you’re not contributing to the league’s entertainment value. Go find Leon and leave fantasy to the professionals (wink).

x-11. Sho-nuff Shamans

Sho’s team often determines who the top ranked player is in a weird way. Think about it: Sho got slapped over and over again by Repeat in Week 1 to the tune of a 0 – 8 loss. We all thought Repeat was the best. Then Sho got hammered by DreamTeam in a 2 – 7 massacre. DreamTeam seemed like the team to beat. Then Sho got trampled on by Dark Horse like a Roman centurion on the horse racing tracks in Ben Hur, losing by a score of 1 – 7. Now Dark Horse is viewed as the league’s major fantasy force. We can only hope that one day Sho will learn to create the league’s best team the normal way instead of building others up via blowout losses to them. That said, I feel vindicated that Sho’s colorful squad pulled off a 6 – 3 win against DNP. I’ve often said that his team’s better than the bottom 3 teams. Sho seems to be in a sour mood lately, though, posting about how he’s “looking at next year.” And he is. He’s still in an asteroid-sized crater of a hole, and climbing out of it would be the stuff of legend. It’s amusing how he’s constantly lamenting his fortunes. Not a day goes by without some reference to the injuries his squad’s experienced. But, Sho. Did you think Yao lasted till Round 10 because everyone else thought he had no talent? Or that guys like Shaq and Ray Allen didn’t come with significant medical concerns? Or that none of the winning teams have experienced losing key players for weeks at a time? You couldn’t have been that naïve. At the end of the day, the roster’s just a little short on talent. The collection of scrubs you've assembled is not THAT far away from the mediocre .500 teams ahead of you. In fact, during most weeks you’re super close to winning out in key categories. So if you’re always a day late and a dollar short, isn’t it time to add drop to make up for your roster’s lack of fantasy ability? I’ve said too much already.

13. Tykes For Tyreke

Getting kicked around by Big Country has to be humiliating but I don’t have the heart to bash the league’s hardest working GM. Question: how the eff does the league’s hardest working GM own a team with 46 losses already? I’ll tell you how: Demarcus Cousins in Round 6. Corey Maggette in Round 7. JJ Hickson in Round 8. Will Bynum in Round 10. Courtney Lee in Round 11. Get the picture? The mid-round gambles on Draft Night couldn’t have gone worse. It’s not entirely Tykes’ fault, since many of those players were expected to be big performers. Tykes is left scrambling for solutions… solutions the league prevents him from having. This week’s veto of the Chris Paul for Pau Gasol and Jonny Flynn deal is a prime example of Tykes getting shafted. Chris Paul has done nothing to elevate this shoddy roster and probably never will. And I’m over here sighing in relief cause I would have given up a 15 & 5 point guard PLUS the best bigman in the game for the chance to totally undo a winning and elite roster. Here’s how royally the league screwed Tykes: if Tykes ever offered me that same deal ever again, I would turn it down flat. Cause I’d be giving up too much. Here are some fantasy tips for Tykes and Tykes ONLY (if you use the first tip before he can, you really suck): 1) Grab Carl Landry and Ben Gordon off the waiver. Yes, Sho dropped both of them, but Sho’s self destructing. 2) Keep Terrence Williams. Do not drop that kid. 3)Dragic is worthless and Nate Robinson’s a temporary stop gap. Dump them.

14. DNP-Coach’s Decision

Anyone got a rifle? Put this yelping dog out of its misery.